Within hours of the Senate’s vote to acquit former President Donald J. Trump on a charge of inciting the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol, “Saturday Night Live” was imagining how some of Trump’s Republican allies in the Senate might be celebrating in a parody episode of “Tucker Carlson Tonight.”
Alex Moffat played that Fox News host, who compared himself to a human White Claw and started his broadcast with what he called “a loose collection of scaremongering non sequiturs.” Among them, “Is AOC hiding in your house right now?” and “Pixar: Is it making our kids depressed or gay? Pick one.”
The program’s first guest was Senator Lindsey Graham (Kate McKinnon), who said that it was “a great day for 30 percent of America.”
In defense of Trump, McKinnon said, “Just because the rioters were yelling ‘Fight for Trump’ doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump. Could’ve been some real Tiffany heads. Maybe even some Eric stans, I don’t know. But regardless, the trial is over and now we can move past this and focus on the serious issues. That’s locking up Hillary and freeing beautiful Britney Spears.”
McKinnon added that she didn’t understand the contempt directed at Trump. “He is smart, he is nice, he’s in shape,” she said. “Last fall he died of Covid and didn’t even tell nobody.”
Playing Senator Ted Cruz, Aidy Bryant discussed the relationship between Republican senators and Trump’s legal counsel. “Like any impartial juror,” she said, “we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple advice: stop, and don’t.”
Inside the Senate chamber, Mikey Day played Trump’s tongue-tied lawyer Bruce L. Castor Jr., who apologized as he misidentified himself as the lead prosecutor, the bailiff and a bridesmaid. Pete Davidson, who played his truculent fellow defense lawyer Michael van der Veen, said he was in a hurry to complete the proceedings because he had “already bought a nonrefundable train ticket back to Phillyvania, Pennsadelphia.”
The final guest was the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell (Beck Bennett), who, despite denouncing Trump, said that his not guilty vote was justified “because everyone knows you cannot impeach a former president.”
“That’s why we should have impeached him before, back when I said we couldn’t,” he said. “I think he’s guilty as hell, and the worst person I ever met and I hope every city, county and state locks his ass up.”
Bennett then exhaled a long breath and declared, “God, that felt good. I’ve been holding that inside my neck for four years.”
Asked what he would now do in the Senate, Bennett replied, “I plan to reach my hand across the aisle and then yank it back and slide it across my hair and then say, ‘Too slow.’”
Fake Commercial of the Week
If you can afford a trendy Peloton exercise bike but have no interest in the relentlessly upbeat motivational messages from its onscreen product, “S.N.L.” may have a product that’s more your speed. It’s the Pelotaunt, which in this advertisement is billed as “the only exercise bike that provides you with personalized, at-home negative reinforcement and relentless criticism.”
Among its many modes of emotional manipulation are snotty disdain, insincere praise and avoidant attachment style. And if none of those settings gets you into shape, why not try a workout accompanied by the theme from “Curb Your Enthusiasm” or video of “an elderly woman who’s like 1,000 times better than you”?
Timely Legal Assistance of the Week
Who among us has not required the intervention of a plastic surgeon after using an extremely powerful adhesive as a substitute for hair spray? It happened in real life to Tessica Brown, who became an unfortunate viral sensation when she pasted her pate with Gorilla Glue.
Now, should any of us make the same mistake, we have the law firm of Denzel and Latrice Commode (Kenan Thompson and Regina King), who can’t fix our hair but may be able to help us win large cash settlements. As King explained, “Fact: Every day as many as one people fall victim to using Gorilla Glue in place of a beauty product. And they deserve compensation.” She added that, though the odds may be tough, these attorneys understand what they’re up against. “We know it’s going to be hard taking a gorilla to court and suing him over his glue,” she said.
Weekend Update Jokes of the Week
Over at the Weekend Update desk, the anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che continued to riff on Trump’s impeachment acquittal.
Like so many other men living in Florida, Donald Trump has once again escaped from justice. This has to be the dumbest trial I’ve ever seen. Here’s how dumb it was: The jurors, who are deciding the case, were the ones attacked by defendant. The trial took place at the scene of the crime. And then right after the trial ended, one of the jurors who voted to acquit Trump ran out and said, “Someone’s got to prosecute this guy. He did it. This man belongs in jail.” What are you going to do? If you’re going to impeach the president for anything, don’t you think it’s sending a mob to kill the Vice President? I feel bad for Pence — 43 of his work friends were like, oh come on, Mike, they only tried to hang you. Stop being such a drama queen. I think it would be hilarious if Biden now sent rioters back into the Capitol. And he was like, What? You guys said it was fine.
During Donald Trump’s impeachment, House managers showed security footage of Capitol rioters violently attacking police. But here’s a little Black history lesson for you: Just because there’s video evidence doesn’t mean you’re going to get a conviction.
Jost then added:
Video evidence of the violence on January 6 showed that Senator Mitt Romney and Vice President Pence both had close calls with rioters. So let me get this straight: You’re a white supremacist mob and you go after these guys? The two whitest guys I could think of? They make me look like Ice-T.
Most Valuable Player of the Week
No one right now would seem to have it easier or better than Tom Brady, the NFL quarterback who won his record-setting seventh Super Bowl last weekend in his first season with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, after leaving his longtime home with the New England Patriots.
But, as portrayed by Bennett at the Weekend Update desk, Brady is a drunken, slurring, Vince Lombardi Trophy-tossing muddle who variously boasts of his successes and taunts his old Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick (“You hear that, Bill? You’re not my dad anymore!”) As Bennett explained in a moment of self-loathing, “My problem is nobody likes me. I don’t know what I did so wrong. All I did was go out and win the Super Bowl. I kept thinking, maybe I get one more trophy and people are going to like me. Nope. They don’t talk about the wins. They just talk about how I kiss my sons.”